The Lactose Dairies #1 – First Edition

17/03/16 – Shitting

One quick note to readers and listeners, i’m almost sorry about this.. x
The audio clip you seek can be found at the end of this article, please read still.

Oh it grumbles it twists and turns; the gasses pas through my guts eager to blast through and out of my anus. My innards feel as if they are about to tie themselves into a bow.

This is no surprise.

I drank too much milk today and had some of that god awful instant Mac’n’cheese poured from a foil/paper packet. (what are they? The packets I mean)

A year or so ago I discovered I was lactose intolerant. After varying nights and weeks if not months of random pangs of agony and shits so violent they could be the next Steven Seagal.

My toilet after these show downs… they looked something close to when Steven has left the room stepping over mutilated bodies and broken limbs piled high or like a HowToBasic video aftermath. If the dude/lunatic behind the camera chucked water balloons filled with nothing but gravy granules and oxtail soup in them, into the toilet. I dunno maybe something like that.

It’s almost heartbreaking to realise you are capable of being so disgusting and having zero control over it.

I wasn’t just breaking out the classic squeeze’n’please turd anymore, I was a dog food machine gun, balls deep in the trenches.

To you,

I shit beyond reason,

Flowers would bloom.

Only were it,

Not watery puddles,

Of lava hot shit.

Yours, forever – Pleb x

I fart and I fart like an elderly relative after having an Ale too many. I had to press and squeeze my stomach with my fingers on a night where I cooked a four cheese pasta bake with my ex. She was in on it too; we pressed and pushed all the trapped wind through my body. I had also only been seeing her for about two months so fair play to her for sticking it out for another year or so.

To anyone here, who is reading this with a tear rolling down, just one, dripping down their cheek, nodding along with me, know you are not alone, it may seem that way.

We are all but the same. Embrace Soya, Almond, Coconut and Rice milk. Enjoy them in your coffee or tea.

It was at this point I had discovered I was potentially sitting on a gold mine of content, something I needed to hear played back to me. So I took my Olympus Dictaphone (it wasn’t mine it was sort of found and given to me – which is kind of mine – but I asked for it. How does ownership work? ) ….So I took my Olympus Dictaphone with me every time and had a deep rush of poop making it’s merry way through my innards causing every fart to be one of high risk. A code red.

I occasionally may / may not have actually farted poop into my undies. I don’t know. Or I do and I don’t want to say. Or I just said it. Or I didn’t.

And occasionally I couldn’t get the trousers to my ankles and arse to the seat quick enough – so yes I admit that I have pooped on my toilet seat, wall etc. by accident because there just wasn’t enough time. But there was enough time to grab the Dictaphone and direct it towards my pooper. So? And? Fuck you it sucks.

The recording quality was magnificent, crystal clear with the Toilets acoustics really highlighting the tones and toots of my bum hole and the splish-splosh lumps of chaos that fell into the porcelain filth bucket.

I’ll release the recordings every now and then; I’ll try and embed them somehow at the top of the page. It was good fun, but I had to make changes eventually. The hilarity of playing back one of these clips whilst on the toilet was all very well indeed – But my health was suffering.

I called it – ‘The Lactose Dairies’

Point of topic:

The actual reason any of this writing got set into motion is that I am sat in my family home now, it’s quite late (01:44) – These poor buggers are sleeping and I have had a lot of milk today.

No matter how much I writhe I just cannot put them through what may sound like a natural disaster. The walls are paper thin and they are all females – I’m glad to have found some sense of shame again, but for the love of god I must shit. I must.

So, I guess there are upsides and downsides to being lactose intolerant.

You can amuse yourself and others with a bazooka bum.

You cannot, however, take a comfortable mega-shit in your family home due to paper thin walls and legitimate fears of having to look them in the eyes after, sharing no words, just a glance.

I’ll sleep it off with any luck and deal with it in the morning.

Here is a link to the first edition, I don’t know when I’ll do another, there are loads of recordings. (Can someone message me an teach me how to get these embedded properly.

Please click below:

With love

–  The Pleb



  1. Very informative and extremely moving. I hope you always have access to a toilet and people who care. I haven’t listened to the recording but you are so talented at writing so l am sure it will be what you need. Take care Cally.


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